Month: August 2013

We met a 9 year old this weekend. One of those inquisitive, smarty pants, outgoing, oddly mature 9 year olds who thinks she truly understands the world around her. And then she saw Landon.

“What are those things on her head”

“Why doesn’t she have ears?”

“Will her ear canals grow?”

“I don’t get it. That’s weird. That doesn’t make sense.”

“She looks funny. But why? I don’t understand.”

“Tell me again…. why?”

I explained using all of my tools. All of my catch phrases. She was born this way. God chose for her ears to look like this. Just like someone wears glasses, she wears hearing aids. I went on and on.  But she wasn’t satisfied.  Her face was so scrunched when assessing Landon.  This 9 year old, in that moment, painted a tough picture for me for Landon’s future.  Will all kids be like this? Will they be scared of her? Will they include her? Will they be mean to her?

And off I spun. Deep into the recesses of my mind. There I went. With all my scared thoughts. All of my future heart breaks when she’s hurt. When kids don’t include her b/c she’s different.

What I can’t figure out is how to plan for her future without getting caught in this web? How do I make choices for her school-wise when all I do is second guess myself based on what might happen?

So I sat in this hole with all of my questions yesterday. I read story after story last night about bullying. About kids with TCS being so heartbroken at school that their parents home school them now. I read about the book Wonder and how much it’s helped some TCS kids build confidence. But then the world still hurts them. Their parents posts on facebook broke my heart. Am I strong enough to endure the same things they have?

We’re in a safe bubble right now. The baby bubble. All of her playmates smile at her or “play” with her as if nothing is different about her. All of their mothers are my support system or friendly new faces who accept us b/c they already know our story.  I’m not ready yet for that next step into the unknown.  I know it’s coming. I know that we’ll meet new faces and new communities that will hopefully love and support bug. I’ll find a way to overcome my fear and take my lead from my independent little girl. Now that we’re venturing into toddler-dom, she’ll soon become more aware of herself and others. She’s growing up.

And I have to be honest here, b/c I’m not always elsewhere, the bullying factor scares the shit out of me. It wakes me up at night. It tortures me. If anyone has good books to help build up your kid with confidence, tell me. Message me. Help me. Because for some reason, I’m obsessed with what will or might happen to her. What she might endure.

For now, I’ll turn to my new combination of yoga and wine. I’ll work this out in my head by pushing it aside most likely. Later.  Not yet. I’ll deal with this later.

It’s time to begin the reflection process. Bug turns 1….NEXT Friday. ONE. Holy shit. Where did the time go?  Yes… it’s time for reflection. What we’ve done in ONE whole year.

Okay… enough rambling for a Tuesday.

xoxo,

Eloise

Hey friends,

Now I want to tell y’all about Landon’s baptism but I really don’t want to sound preachy. Forgive me if I do… It’s hard to talk about faith sometimes for me. I feel a little fake since we aren’t church regulars and I’m still working on my faith. Anyway… here’s the story…

Bug was baptized a couple of weeks ago down in our hometown of Alexandria, VA. We ultimately made the decision to head back there because of the strong connection we still feel to Christ Church and there was something profound about returning to our roots for such a special day. We met at Christ Church in youth group when we were 12 and still keep in touch with the amazing head of the church, Pierce Klemmt. I could truly go on and on about Pierce. WHAT an incredible human being he is and his gift of words. To keep this posting somewhat brief though, I’ll just share a few things he said to me in an email after Landon was born.

I know it was God’s heart first to break when you discovered the special needs your child will require over time. While grief is never finished, God in Jesus Christ will become very present in reordering your common life together and sending you resources. God’s amazing love does turn concern and pain into a vital energy and commitments that make for the miracles that make life worth living. These gifts will be yours in time. You are uniquely gifted as a couple. Summon these gifts to be powerful witnesses of God’s healing love.

I wept when I read his email. Wept openly and onto my desk. I cry every time I re-read this email. Now I cry for different reasons though. I cry because of the time and energy he took to send me this note. I cry because of the joy I have that we know someone like him and for the understanding he has of what we are capable of as a couple. It’s a nice reminder to hear that we ARE capable. Even though we’ve been doing this for a year, it’s still fresh in many ways.

Back to the baptism though. I had to choose two passages for readings. This seemingly is unheard of and all that crazy pressure to pick the right readings flashed back from our wedding. This would be a MUCH smaller audience, but still. I am not a bible studier. I don’t quote from it or share passages. Maybe I should, but it’s just not in my routine of life. I think I did a great job though, truly. I love every word and hope that Landon will one day read these words and feel inspired and loved.

(Mark 10:13-16)

People were bringing little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” And he took the children in his arms, placed his hands on them and blessed them.

(Joshua 1: 5-9)

No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their ancestors to give them. “Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

I then added a prayer at the end that’s so sweet.

May God grant you always

A sunbeam to warm you

A moonbeam to charm you

A sheltering angel

So nothing can harm you

Laughter to cheer you

Faithful friends near you

And whenever you pray

Heaven to hear you

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xoxo,

eloise