So long, New York

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“A poem compresses much in a small space and adds music, thus heightening its meaning. The city is like poetry: it compresses all life, all races and breeds, into a small island and adds music and the accompaniment of internal engines. The island of Manhattan is without any doubt the greatest human concentrate on earth, the poem whose magic is comprehensible to millions of permanent residents but whose full meaning will always remain elusive.” 
-E.B White, Here is New York

Well… it’s time. Time to say goodbye to my home for the past 10.5 years. My home where I became the person I am today. The home where I found my family of friends, found my husband, had my baby girl. This home that has been brutal and beautiful, thrilling and challenging… truly life altering. 

Living in New York gives you a sense of accomplishment. I proudly say I’m from New York City and because of that fact I walk differently. Hold my head higher, a swing in my step. I just achieved my New Yorker status and with that… I’m gone.  

Things come full circle in a New York life. It’s the beauty and brutal part about living here. One day I’m getting laid off, the next week I’m starting a job that’ll change my life- set it in motion towards what my life is now. One night my heart is broken over a boy, the next I’m falling in love.  One best friend leaves, and the next week I start a job where I’ll meet two new best friends to add to my family. It’s the New York circus- it’s an amazing ride. 

This city contains so much beauty – gritty beauty but beauty nonetheless. My fondest memories are not that of my family here, although I’m beyond grateful to have created one within these city walls. The memories I cherish are those from my first two years here. With no responsibility except to myself, I would wander the city. Wander in and out of bookstores, record stores, crossing famous bridges, drinking at the oldest of bars. The girls and I created quite a life back in our early twenties. Anything seemed possible because we had each other. We focused more on survival than wild and lofty dreams most days, but all were spent genuinely content in each other’s company and knowing that we believed all that we wished for would come true. We sought love, career excellence and above all fun. And man… does this city deliver fun. Fun in the image of girls dancing all night, watching the sunrise on a rooftop amidst the water towers, and more wandering of unexplored neighborhoods.   

Bo and I both feel like we’ve reached the proverbial light at the other side of the tunnel. I feel like we actually closed the loop on every detail. Said our farewells over a good period of time. It feels like it’s actually time to leave… time to move on.  As bittersweet as it feels to leave my family of friends, the city I love… it’s time to offer Landon an easier and better life that I can’t give her here. Less struggle, more family, less stress, more peace. Crying as I might be over writing this farewell, I know that I want to give her this southern life. Raise her closely to the way Bo and I were raised. 

With new dreams and new hope in my heart, I say farewell. New York, I love you. Thanks for the memories. 

“Third, there is the New York of the person who was born somewhere else and came to New York in quest of something. Of these three trembling cities the greatest is the last–the city of final destination, the city that is a goal. It is this third city that accounts for New York’s high-strung disposition, its poetical deportment, its dedication to the arts, and its incomparable achievements. Commuters give the city its tidal restlessness; natives give it solidity and continuity; but the settlers give it passion.” 
– E.B. White, Here is New York

xoxo,

Eloise

Muddling through

So as I announced on here a little while back… we’re moving. Oh and it’s in about a week and a half.  Have I packed? Ummm, two boxes.  Have I done anything on my list of last NYC things? Ummm, I’ve gotten drunk with my coworkers about six times. Is bug’s therapy all settled and ready to roll? Ummm, no and it feels like some sort of crazy maze to navigate. It just feels hard.  Am I holding it together?  Let’s just go with no. I literally had a semi panic attack on the subway the other night. Don’t worry..due to some other choice patrons of the A train… no one remotely noticed the sweating, green looking blonde woman panting in the corner.

I am not ready to say goodbye to those I love. I’m not sure I’m ready to imagine my life without certain people in it on a daily basis. I am, however, ready to not live in this particular city. I am ready to have life be easier. I know I’m going and that we need to go. But this would be the moment when I’d like to choose an Irish goodbye like I used to when I was 22 and single and wanted to bail on a party. I’d be talking to some bro, realize I’d never marry this character and tell him I had to pee. Then, with clever ducking, I’d sneak out of said party and go home. I’d like to do that with NYC because you see… I don’t know if I can actually say goodbye. All our stuff would somehow get to me, or if not, I can learn to live with less.

I’m basically muddling through my days in limbo- not ready to go but not wanting to stay.  What if this move is not the right move for bug’s therapy? What if her speech suffers without Clarke therapy? What if living farther away from my own mother isn’t smart for  my own mental health? What if I need a job and there are literally none? What if I can’t find a good colorist? (If you’re blonde you get it). And off I spin.

Glennon Melton is always telling us that we can do hard things. I am, in choosing to move South, choosing my family first. I am choosing an easier way of life and a place where our dreams can come alive. This has to be the right choice then.  Time to take the leap, Eloise, time to put one foot in front of the other.

If y’all have taken great leaps of faith, how did you prepare yourselves? How did you muddle through?  Send your thoughts!

XOXO

Eloise

We can’t stop… trying

Writing this particular post has been difficult for me. What to put in, what to leave out, keeping everyone’s feelings in mind… it’s hard to put real and gritty emotions out there for all to read.  But… I’ve committed to myself to be honest here. If to no one else… this blog gives me a sense of peace that I don’t find other places. Is that sad? Never mind… I know that it helps my fellow readers in some way. That adds to my peace. Okay.. so I’m going to chat about marriage here my friends. Post-baby, confusing-wonderful-messy-emotional-loving-challenging marriage. Ready?

I’ve gathered from my other momma friends and family that this cloud of emotion post-baby is normal. The cloud that entails not connecting with your husband or partner really on any level other than how to be roommates is common. Learning that information was critical to me. I wasn’t alone? It wasn’t just my marriage? One can feel after having a child like you’re only in it for the baby. There are those days. Those weeks, maybe months where you look at your child and see your partner in their eyes and know that you cannot possibly do this alone. The love you have for this baby spills out onto your husband or wife. Then there are those days or nights or weeks where the connection is amazing like you two have never been closer. Then a week later you’re back in the emotional hole again. This had become our normal life…a roller coaster and simply co-existing.

What do you do when you don’t want this to be your normal? Being common isn’t what you wanted for your romantic life?  I have friends that are separated. That are divorcing.  What I know is that’s not what I want.  Step one… I’m told… is to recognize that fact. I want this man. This man I chose- knowing all that I did about my parents’ failed marriage and the problems we had- to be mine forever. Our love is deep. I feel like we’re old war buddies.. having survived ridiculous feats. I know that we can do this. But we had to figure out where to start.  

We chose to talk about it.  Sounds simple but it’s reallllllly not. We chose to have a hard… okay excruciating… honest conversation about what we were feeling and thinking. We laid out our cards for each other. We laid down our swords so to speak. We had to individually remain as calm and open to the conversation as possible. Okay some of those comments stung. A lot. But if I was going to really do this… I had to hear what he had stored up,   too scared to tell me. He had to really listen to what I needed him to do for me. And we went on from there.  

We recognized that we were both being a little dramatic about how doom and gloom things were. We both knew without a doubt that we wanted each other.  But we had to talk about the things that felt off in us. We had to say the things you just never want to because it would make the other person cry. So we did. And of course I cried. But now…we’re on our road forward.

And you can’t talk about how uncomfortable marriage can be after baby without talking about the taboo topic of sex. When I polled 10 married woman all with a child under 2… I got the exact same results. No one was interested in that particular activity. It felt like work to us and we were already maxed out by our kids. Women need sex to feel loved, appreciated and close to someone. We crave intimacy… but we are getting a closeness and so much love from our kids. So it just doesn’t dawn on us that often b/c we’re sooo freaking tired. Our mates crave something else altogether that we cannot really identify with anymore. Maybe in our 20’s that element existed but now you’ve re-channeled that energy into building blocks, walking toys, bento boxes for preschool, cleaning and wiping and soothing a small human being. Sex just feels like semi exercise and we’re already tired from that yoga we did at 6:30am to get away from mothering for an hour. But… this topic that no couple wants to discuss… needs to be on that table. You have to talk about it. You have to ask one another for what you want and need. I never felt comfortable talking about this.. ahem.. topic. But for this man, for this marriage, I will try. I will actually read books about how to open up about it (on the iPad of course).

I don’t have all the answers. I am trying to finally communicate that we and I feel a little broken. That there’s a hairline fracture in our foundation.  It might be dramatic given all of the “me too!"s that I heard in the last month when I shared these thoughts but I do not want this life of bickering over NOTHING.  I want to initiate..ya know.  I’ll be more spontaneous with him. I’ll smile more at him and rub his shoulders after a long day. I’ll cook and then do the dishes without rolling my eyes about how much I do around the house. I’ll let things go. Well.. I’ll try to let things go. I will tell him just how darn cute he really is and that I’m truly proud that he’s my husband whenever we walk into a room. I will snuggle with him on the couch instead of leaning back on my own side with my computer up to my nose.  I will commit, again, to him and to making us … us again.

But God… THIS IS HARD.  I know that the older couples tell us when we get engaged… “marriage is really hard. And parenting… that’s the hardest job you’ll ever do.”  Well, golly.. that didn’t help prepare me for this.  What I think people need to say to each other is that it’s messy, and complicated but if you talk openly and you keep trying… you’ll see results. Go out alone together anywhere. If you can’t swing a big night out financially….pay a sitter for an hour or two and go hang in a park together. Do anything that you used to do before you had a kid. Put on those heels sweetheart and a little lipstick and make him or her think you are trying again. And boys… you must listen to her and be open to discussing your feelings. You must. Some of us won’t initiate… we just aren’t built that way. Don’t take it personally. The more you try the more we’ll want to. Be patient. We’re figuring this new life out just like you are.

Through all of these talks and openness you’ll see that love does win. It connects us back to each other. That’s my hope for us all.  After these kinds of conversations and being honest for the first time in a year with him, I am more sure of this commitment and love that exists. I am also more aware of the changes I need to make in myself. There’s always homework, isn’t there?  But if you’re going to make this thing called marriage really last… you gotta work for it honey.

Wishing y’all love filled days and the strength to carry on.

XO

Eloise

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