It’s a new day. Counting blessings. Saying a prayer for the Conleys and Coxs. Saying a prayer for bug. Watching the seagulls and the waves and remembering why this was the right move. Why bug will thrive here because I will thrive here. Sending y’all love today.
Xoxo
Eloise
Days strung together with so many questions. Around town, the interesting (that’s a word for it) evaluation, a specialist.
What are those things on her head? What syndrome does she have? What is Treacher Collins? Why emergency c section? Did you know when you were pregnant? Is she talking? How many words? No words? How many sounds? Is she walking? No? Are you worried? What muscles on the eye did they move? Did anyone tell you to patch the eye? Did anyone tell you she may need glasses? Can you wait another hour? Are you free for another evaluation in 2 weeks?
She’s actually doing so well, are you okay with only a few therapy sessions a month?
Ummmm… No… I am NOT.
If you couldn’t tell… tonight I snapped. And cried in bed to Bo, wearing old leggings, two different socks and with dirty hair. I might have unraveled a bit this week and it’s only Tuesday.
I moved, I know. I signed up to start the process over. BUT… It still hurts… the revisiting. It stings. I can’t articulate clearly to husband why. It just all sucks some days. Why her?!?! I mean… That question still pops in my head. Is that normal? I am guessing yes, actually.
Some nights I need to wallow. I think that’s okay. We have these rotten feelings some nights so in the morning when our littles hug our necks and give us slobbery kisses- we can start over. Fresh day, more love. Leaving the emotional freak out behind… new strength to soldier on.
Night y’all,
Xoxo
Eloise
“To everything – turn, turn, turn
There is a season – turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven
A time to build up, a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones
A time to gather stones together”
– the Byrds
I used to listen to this song on repeat on the Forest Gump soundtrack for a full year after this movie came out. I remember my mom coming up to my attic room and laughing at how funny it was that I loved the songs of her past so much. I felt so cool singing the lyrics from the late 60’s and early 70’s. I was 14 and thought I could identify with how teenagers and young adults felt during this momentous time in history. I was a bit of a dramatic teenager.
Now, however, these lyrics and this sentiment are more accurate in describing my life than any song currently being written. The song is actually a passage from the Bible – a place I don’t usually quote from- but Ecclesiastes expresses the same thing… there truly is a time for every season of your life. And none of them are at the same time.
There is a season for raising a happy, well adjusted, emotionally secure, child with whom I do therapy twice a day every day amidst a tantrum. There is a season for a fabulous, romantic, peaceful marriage. There is a season for intense focus on a job or a lifelong dream project. These are not, however, the same season. You and I both want these to be the same seasons. We really do. So we try and fight and claw our way forward trying to keep all of these proverbial balls in the air. When one or all of them drop, so do our spirits. Our hope and belief in ourselves that we can do it all dwindles. We lose faith in whatever Spirit we pray to. We forget that it’s just not in the power of heaven and Earth for all of these seasons to coexist.
I know this. But I forget it pretty much every day. If I’m focused on Landon, getting her care set up, troubleshooting hearing aids, calling appointments, driving to evaluations, googling the latest in baha technologies, talking to Cochear, reading about how to get your toddlers to finally walk, what foods should she eat to gain weight (ETC!!), I simply cannot expect myself to also be able to be the most amazingly focused wife.
Once she is adjusted, her care is in place, and life stabilizes, then and only then will it be the time for my marriage come back into season. This sounds harsh for the husbands or partners. But if you are the primary caregiver and you give and give and give to your little or littles all day…. it’s almost impossible to give that same amount to your spouse that same season. You can absolutely give something. Give love, give respect, give patience.
When it’s the season for your marriage… revel in it. Focus on it. You’ll be loving your children and focused on them enough. But focus more on your spouse. Each morning, determine what you can do that day to make your spouse’s life easier or better. Smile at them and hug them more often. Go out alone without the child, or in our case, also without your parents. Be alone and remember what it was like when you were dating. Talk about the future together. Make plans.
Seasons can be in days, weeks, months. Maybe one day you need it to be the season for you. Not be mom for a day. Go get your hair done or go to the spa. Be alone for a while. That is OKAY, mommas. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad mother. You’re not a bad wife. It doesn’t mean the time for career success won’t also happen.
The season for success will happen, even if it’s currently the season for therapy and doctors for your wee one. That success might happen next month or a little while down the line. Don’t despair. We can have it all. Just not all at the same time. And that, my friends, is okay.
Currently, this is my season for adjusting. My Landon season of augmenting our life. It’s been wonderful and taxing, comforting and challenging. I love the peace of this place we now live, my extra hours with her. I am doing all of her therapy though myself and it’s pretty hard. She won’t pay attention; she’s all over the place. I pray daily her language and speech isn’t suffering at my hands. Therapy will start…maybe in a month. Who knows. Things move at a slower pace here and I have to fight for patience every hour. The season for my marriage is knocking at the door though. It needs attention, badly probably. I don’t know how to balance it all. And it’s been unraveling me a bit. Keeping me up late, on my mind during my long runs.
So this post is to remind myself of the seasons. Remind myself and anyone else going through this season balancing act that it’s alright to let each thing in your life have it’s turn in the spotlight. I want desperately to start a nonprofit. It’s all mapped out in my head. But this isn’t it’s season yet. Maybe next week, or next month. This month is adjusting for Landon. Settling her into her new life. Getting her therapy going and doctors identified in Charleston. And I need to be okay with that. Accept the season.
The season for my marriage is coming. I’m preparing myself for the work we need, and saying my blessings daily for my husband and all that he gives me. Once there is peace in the land of Landon…. it’s time to focus on the husband. On his needs and our needs. After that, the season for helping others and working on my non profit will emerge. These three things will take their turns, living each season in it’s own time.
Ironic that it’s almost time for seasons greetings, isn’t it?!
Sending you love, patience, and faith in yourselves.
XOXO
Eloise
Given the fact that bug had a 102 degree fever, the world’s most disgusting virus aptly named foot and mouth disease, we got here safely on Tuesday night. So we were off to a bang arriving in SC this week. The poor girl had blisters on her face, knees, butt and feet. People literally moved away from us in the airport. I don’t exactly blame them. The girl kept her face glued to mine so if I get this thing…..
Alas, we’ve mostly healed and bug is back to acting like herself. So far she’s let me know that she hates riding in the car by screaming at an unnatural decibel, prefers to walk by standing on my foot and digging her nails into my thigh and going for a ride. She enjoys plunging her face in the dog’s water bowl and then racing to the back screen door to push herself out onto the wooden stairs. Basically she’s tried to kill herself any way possible since we arrived. So I’m…. tired.
So on one of the rougher days I hauled bug over to Walgreens to pick up even more medicine. As I propped her up on the counter to pay, the four people behind me came up closer and leaned in. I steeled myself for hearing aid comments, what’s wrong with her comments, or pity stares. What happened though… caught me off guard. One after the other people ooo’d and ahhh’d over her.. “She is soooooo precious!” “My word, is that little one cute!” “How old is she, honey?” And I remembered why I moved here. I took the deepest breath and realized for the most part we’ve left so much behind us. We live in the south now where kindness really does prevail.
On top of this neighborly love, yesterday I unpacked one of my miscellaneous boxes that had a wine opener, dog treats, medical records and Landon’s baby book. I never got around to filling out the book yet but it holds every card bug received in her first year of life. Every note y’all sent us, I kept. So as she napped, I read. And cried. I had not read your words, sweet friends, since I received them when she was born. I had not reflected on her surgery since you sent her cards covered in bedazzled band aids. I was filled with so much positive energy that it gave me the extra strength I needed to finish the week. I’ve given thanks for y’all over the last year but felt like doing it again today. My mother’s friends, coworkers turned confidants, best friends, godparents, strangers, and friends with whom I’ve not spoken in a decade… so many of you have sent love our way. I re-read your words and my heart was so full I thought I would explode. I fully intend to pay it forward the rest of my life. I only hope to be the kind of friend to y’all when you need it.
As we adjust down here and begin this new life, I’ll do so knowing that so many wonderful people have our backs. I know y’all will be here or there when we need you. I’m SO grateful for that fact.
I’ll now go back to trying to get used to the quiet life….
