We are sitting at our oval dining table, pages of math homework strewn about, pencils at the ready to solve the next in the line of problems. But the problem at hand isn’t one of decimals or fractions, it’s how I can make sure our beautiful, kind and loving daughter continues to see herself as we see her. How can we preserve her mental health, her emotional health given what the world is serving her lately- unkindness, cruel words, stares and glares and even the craning of necks to gawk in her direction?
After a week of unkindness, she finally broke down and sobbed that she just wanted to be “normal.” She said she wished she didn’t have Treacher Collins so that kids would not stare and be mean, that she didn’t have to be different and deal with this anymore. Honestly, it’s fair for her to feel that way, heartbreaking and beyond hard to hear as a mother, but fair. What these kids don’t even realize is that she’s already trying to process her two surgeries coming up this summer, and that’s enough for her to manage. Why should she have to deal with unkindness when she puts so much good into the world. Why can’t other kids approach her with questions instead of glaring, smiles instead of stares, teasing instead of name calling?
I have always marveled at Landon’s confidence – standing up to nasty comments from mean boys at summer camps since she was 5, proudly sharing all about Treacher Collins or her hearing aids when asked innocently, and making friends wherever she goes. She has proudly told me through tears what she said in response to the mean comments she’s received, and then we moved through the discomfort, working hard not to hold any of the pain in her heart. But lately, it’s just harder. She’s older for one, more acutely aware of the world around her and with this age comes the teenage land of doubting oneself and seeking outside validation from peers. So what if a peer is the one that inflicts the pain? What if a friend calls you something related to your differences, and then you show up to the orthadontist’s office and a kid glares so rudely at you that you break. After all, it is all too much for one person to manage at any given time. We as parents manage through as we always do- reminding her of how loved she is, how incredible she is and how what was said or done doesn’t reflect anything about her but instead about the kid doing the rude behavior. We remind her in any way we can that we’re in this to carry the pain and sadness or frustration for her, and she can put it down at our feet. We try to be the light so she can see in the dark- but I often ask myself what else can I do?
I tend to glare back at the kids, sometimes blocking their view of Landon with my body, and roll my eyes as their moms gently and kindly hug them completely unaware of their kids’ affect on Landon. It’s gotten to the point, that if I see a boy or girl near her age I immediately stiffen and gently shield her with my body. And to be honest, if I see kids who exude privilege either in what they’re wearing or how they’re acting, I’m quickly on guard. Like in the case of the orthodontist- after one look at the boy I knew what was coming before it even happened. Maybe that’s not fair but I have yet to be wrong unfortunately. And so, I’m pulled back to this blog today to talk to my fellow parents- those I know and those I’ve yet to meet- to ask you again to please prioritize talking to your children about differences, what kindness looks and sounds like, and to help you understand how to engage with them about kids like Landon.
Imagine for a moment, fellow parents, that your own child is different. Maybe he or she has smaller ears; maybe he or she wears hearing aids that others can see; maybe he or she has a beautiful yet very differently shaped face; maybe he or she look like Auggie from Wonder or like Landon, or has any kind of special needs. And, what if while you and your child were out in public, most kids around you stares, points, and keeps on glaring not caring for a moment if they’re caught? What if others around you including some adults turn their faces down at your child, who is doing their best to stand up straight but shrinking as each minute goes on? What if your child goes to school and one of their friends calls them a name, mocking their hearing aids? What would you do? Would you threaten the kids around you who are glaring or pointing? Would you send emails or freak out at the other parents? Or would you plead with the parents in your community, the country, the world, to sit down and talk to their kids? Would you implore your community to teach what choosing kindness looks and sounds like? And then share that post or message 10x over.
Sitting around your dining table, here is how I imagine that conversation going. I imagine you do less of the talking, but instead guiding the conversation with questions, allowing them to realize some of the behavior themselves. You could ask: “have you ever seen any children who look different?” If not, “let’s imagine a child who looks different -their ears, eyes, face, maybe they’re in a wheelchair or have canes to help them walk.” “How should we interact with them or treat them?” “If you’re with them without parents, in a group maybe like camp, what should you say or do around them?”
I’ve asked Landon often about social media and my sharing messages like this, and how she feels about what I write when I do or share photos of us or her. She said that if anything we can put into the world can make even one kid or adult kinder, than it’s all worth it. That she hopes that she and any of her family can spread the message that kids like her are just that- kids, then great maybe people will see her as a kid first, different second or never. Maybe kids will notice that she likes and dislikes all the same things that other 11-year-old girls do. She loves Taylor, still likes Bluey, loves her family and friends dearly, and her school. She loves to read graphic novels and spend time drawing her own. She loves to play with toys with her little sister and video games with her big sister. And if you choose to hold kindness in your heart, you’ll see all these amazing things and more.
Make the time for the conversation, make the time to help them learn how to choose kindness every time.
. You love your parents deeply for each of our unique selves and make blending easy. You are love, my bug. You are my life. I love you so much and marvel at what a decade of life has been like as your mother.
