Tag: parenthood

I’ve been on this wild ride as described over and over here. Lately it feels like a marathon without any real breaks. It’s the same race all of us mothers run. Same story, different city.  Same maxed out feeling, different tale. Whenever she sleeps I try to work. When she’s at “school” I’ve decided I have to go running or I’ll let my stress do the talking during the day and lose it by 4pm. 

We all have this same sense, working full-time or not, of losing ourselves or pieces of ourselves.  After all, we’re not the important ones. These little people come first as well as husbands or wives. Toes go unpainted, gyms are sometimes eluded. Making it to kids’ bedtimes seems the ultimate goal occasionally or every day.  We add pressure where it might not naturally exist. There is the pressure that comes from losing a job or your faith in your partner. From judging ourselves too harshly for the mothering we’re doing. The pressure to provide. We have all been there.  For me, I create pressure around ensuring Landon’s therapy is just what it needs to be with the right people. On mastering the sensory processing she is currently struggling with.  There is pressure of the ever drifting eye and the internal battle I’m fighting to decide whether or not to operate on it.  The pressure of being present when we play together.  And so on.

On Sunday, after I dropped my mom at the airport, I was so sad as I drove back to the house. As I sat in traffic and Landon whined and people honked and terrible drivers swerved, it dawned on me.  I bought myself a Christmas gift that I had forgotten… one month of yoga.  Hallelujah.  So… the very next day I went in and began my unlimited month.  It felt like such an indulgence. Shouldn’t I be doing something else?  I wondered if my muscles would remember the rhythms. Would I enjoy it here like I did before?  Could I quiet my mind after all we’ve endured in 5 months?

I arrived early and sprawled out my rarely used mat. As I laid down, I decided to try something for the first time in my adult life. I meditated for 5 solid minutes. I remembered my breath and allowed the peace I desperately needed in my head and heart to take over. I saw Landon’s face and smiled. I saw Bo’s face and smiled. My people. All my love. I then made a conscious decision to think of myself. How far I’ve come as a mother and as a person. And I smiled. To love these other people in our lives, we must love ourselves first. I was given that advice by my first therapist at 22 when my parents split, my dear friend died and my boyfriend had broken up with me. This statement has meant so much to me in my life. I’d of course forgotten it. I opened my eyes and did the class and at the end, the instructor read a passage about finding peace in our minds while we practice.  After it was over, I sat quietly and reflected on how much this one class gave me.  I realize that I had craved a type of sanctuary. A place that was for me. I realized suddenly that it wasn’t for me, it was in me. This sounds too philosophical for me to say, but I find that sanctuary in myself when I practice yoga. That is the place where I feel ultimately my best. I’m able to unlock something in  my mind that I am unable to doing anything else. So my promise now is if I cannot go, or cannot afford it, I’ll try at minimum to meditate. After dinner, after bug’s bedtime, that’s my window. My five minutes. My sanctuary.  I don’t necessarily need the beautiful teak floor and candles. The sanctuary I crave is somewhere in my own heart, and the peace provides clarity around what is truly important. Loving my husband and my little girl. Loving our parents. Making sure to tell my husband that I believe in him. Remembering that despite all we deal with, we’ll be great because of each other.

The peace we seek and comfort we yearn for exists in all of us. We just need to find the way to unlock these sanctuaries.

xoxo,

Eloise

Through some diligent digging (read… I annoyed people day and night), I was able to find an OT locally who works with Babynet. Thank God. We start Friday and have another OT that’s even closer that we could see if our first one doesn’t suit us. Hurdle conquered. Mountain of stress surmounted. Or at least replaced with a book where I’m learning the difference between hypo and hyper sensory sensitive. The battle to be waged with Babynet will move into next week or next month.  As we move into the proverbial clear… why is it that more hurdles pop up. ALWAYS. It can’t just be calm in this life anymore. There always has to be some emotional struggle. Some topic to keep me up and induce an addiction to Advil PM.

What is it now? Another eye surgery. Ughh.

We saw a new ophthalmologist at MUSC (the third in her life) and explained how since last July… her other eye rolls back. This means she loses vision in it when this occurs. It happens when she’s tired, sometimes more. We should be patching every day. But it’s been almost a year now and nothing has changed. It happens just as often. Maybe more but honestly I am having a hard time distinguishing exactly how often because her eye openings are slightly smaller because of her TCS. 

Here is the tricky emotional part (other than my baby going under general anesthesia again)… the guy saw her for 10 minutes. That’s it. Then we booked the date for the surgery while we were still in the office. It was so rushed. Too rushed for momma. He doesn’t know her little eye well enough yet. So we’ll be going back- even if he doesn’t need to see us.  Also… and this is where my voice catches in my throat…since it’s elective.. it feels like it’s up to me. It feels like I have 50 tons of pressure sitting on my shoulders. When she woke up the other day she gave me this incredibly sweet smile and laid so still staring at my face. I broke wide open at the moment and ever since… WHAT if something happens to her. I chose the surgery. What if…. And how do I go through it again?  Bo thinks since I’ve done it once, this should be easier. Nope. I’ve now cried once a day since Thursday.

Here’s what I know… Her vision is impaired in this current state. She can’t fully focus in speech therapy when that eye drifts. Therefore…when she starts school, she’d most likely fall behind.  Surgery could fix it. It could also mean the eye muscle he moves slips and falls off. It could mean one or more surgeries to fix this surgery. It could mean an infection in the eye… or worse… from the anesthesia. It’s with a different surgeon. One I don’t know.

So… as I sink into my Sensory Smarts book, I am balancing my time with googling DVD surgery and this surgeon’s name. There seem to be emotional land mines that I’m just learning to coexist with. When it feels like too much, I run to the ocean. I go to the gym so my body feels physical pain to try to match the panic I am feeling.

Anyway… time to call it a night. Sending y’all love.

xoxo,

eloise